Life and all the other stuff

I'm feeling a tad fed up today.  I'm having a really bad time at work and am having to seek some proper advice which really sucks.  I'd love to go for a hair cut ha ha - I'm so fed up with not feeling good about my hair.  I know it's so much better than not having any and I am glad for what I have but my patience is running thin today and I'm just sitting on the pity pot, having a wallow.  At 2 o'clock I'm going to put on some slap and go out for a walk and enjoy this sunny afternoon.  Who knows it might just cheer me up enough to make a chocolate cake for my darling children.

Christmas in June

Had a really good day today.  At Christmas my brother-in-law gave me a spa day to share with my sister (the best sister in the whole wide world) and today we went had a lovely pampery, lazyish day at the spa.  Started with a foot ritual, then a swim - about an hour - how my health has improved. Then a warm room experience (it's actually called something Roman that I can't recall) very soothing though, followed by a thermal pedicure for me and facial for big sister.  We had a lovely lunch and then relaxed in the chill out room for an hour before showering and going home.  I feel so relaxed mmmmm.  I also had teal polish on my tootsies which my fashionistas (aka teenage girls) tell me is a very hot colour this summer.  So not only am I supporting Teal Toes but also being right on trend - very unusual for the frumpy middle aged, moody old women I am!

Happy Day!

Second three month check done and dusted.  Slightly lower CA125 and nothing to worry about!  Smiled all the way home and even kissed the Dog!

Uptight and Snappy

I'm sort of pleased this weekend is over - only two days until my second three month check - that will make six months out of chemo.  And yet, in the same breath I don't want to know, unless that is it's the news I want.  It's so close to the anniversary of my diagnosis that it all feels fairly horrible and I really don't want another summer like last year's.  Oh how these thoughts tumble and tangle round and around my poor achy head.  Plan A for this, Plan B for that, I know it will only tell me what's already there or not as the case may be.    My poor family having to put up with such an uptight and snappy person.

Oh, and I've got an appointment tomorrow to get some advice about my employment issues so it looks like a fun filled week - lucky me.

Birthday Madness

So .... Sunday came, the weather was fine (well sort of) and we had a grand old time celebrating Ben's 18th Birthday.  My beloved did his bit with the barbecue and much fun ensued.  I have decided to share the bottles between my neighbours recycling bins so that the binmen don't report me to AA.  These are my three children, Meg, Ben and Harrie! 

 
It was good to have all of my family together - it's been 18 months since we last met up - and there must be something in the water because, like buses one doesn't come along for ages then two turn up. I am talking about Babies!   David's niece is also going to have her first baby later this year so I'll be a great aunt twice over first in October and the next in December.  I knew I'd kept the duplo for a good reason.  So we had lots to celebrate.

The partying now has to stop because eldest child has A Levels starting next week and I'll have to start knitting again!

Meeting up

I had wonderful day on Thursday.  I met up with my friend Gaynor who I'd met via the Ovacome site.  We went to Trentham, drank gallons of coffee and pots of tea and had a good old chat.

There is very little that I can say has been good about my cancer journey but making new friends is one real bonus.

I smiled all the way home and can't wait to meet again.

Back to Work

This week was a landmark for me.  I went back to work.  Yes, me, cancer free, in remission but still shaky and a tad worried about life, the universe and everything, went back to work. The experience wasn't pleasant and I am still quite upset about it but I went back to work.  The welcome mat wasn't at the door, 'my' desk had been given to the newest person in the office and contents of 'my' desk had been unceremoniously dumped on my new desk, together with the last nine months of accumulated general dross.  I had been listed on the location board as a 'visitor' and a restructure is underway and guess what - I don't think my job will exist after July!  Oh and I've been taken off the payroll and I'll be paid by cheque!  What fun.

I'm feeling quite p****d off about it but having asked if I should write my hours for next week on the location board in the visitor section, and presented the pile of accumulated dross to my boss to sort out because 'I don't want to throw away anything that might be important and then having the audacity to ask what my role now is; there were one or two embarrassed glances and awkward silences there was something muttered about not wanting to stress me out and they weren't at all sure I'd even show up!  And we'll have a meeting with you soon to discuss what it is you'll be doing.  Hello, I've got a job description and contract and as far as I'm aware I didn't have my brain removed at the same time as my tumour (although us chemo brains do sometimes question this fact).  I just want my job, as it was when I went on sick leave - obviously with some catch up time and support, but my ability to do my job is, hopefully, as good as nine months ago.

Rant, rant and rage.

I'm not in again until Tuesday of next week by which time I'll have calmed down and thought about a strategy to deal with it all.

So much for welcome back it's good to see you!

Catch Up Time

As I said you'd have to forgive me if this blog doesn't get updated regularly!    I've had a bad couple of weeks, too much sitting on the pity pot instead of getting on with it.  It all goes back to the three monthly check which is looming large on the horizon.  Must try to find a better way of dealing with this.

But .. I went to superb flower arranging demonstration presented by a very talented and funny lady called Sandy.  She created a sort of driftwood/ sea type display which I won when one of my raffle tickets was drawn. How wonderful was that.  I think it's about time I enrolled at flower arranging because I'm so jealous of people who can create such wonderful things.

My son and eldest child hit his 18th year last week and we've had some fun, meals out, worrying about him going to town and nightclubbing for the first time, rolling in at 3.47 and 28 seconds!  Not that I was clock watching you understand.  It amuses me no end that my kids are so surprised when we tell them of our clubbing days or should that be nights.  It's so shocking that mum and dad ever had any fun and dare I say got drunk!!!  And that's only the half of it - if only they knew.  Now I'm getting everything together for his family party which we're having on  bank holiday Sunday.  This will allow for all those who have some distance to travel, plenty of  time to get back for work on Tuesday. We're hoping for a warm, dry day so that my beloved can do his thing with the barbecue.  I've got to make a cake for him - not a fruit cake but a chocolate cake with lots of sweets on top the sort he had when he as about 5!  That's nice and easy for me though unless I have a better idea in between.

We went for a great walk on Sunday afternoon - along the canal and back through the woods; carpeted with glorious bluebells and the stench - sorry - fragrance of wild garlic.  We even saw swallows - the first of  the year and this lifted my spirits.  Fred the springer went for his first swim in the canal after getting in a bit of a tizz about the ducks who dared sit on the tow path.  His face was a picture when he eventually found right way up and discovered he could swim.  Unfortunately I didn't have the camera because my beloved got a good old soaking as he pulled said Fred out of said canal.  Oh what fun we had....  Here's Fred, clean, dry and back on Terra firma! I can't believe how much he's grown over the last couple of months but I think he is rather splendid.

I promised a photo of the windmill palm in my older posts (I've done so many now!)  Here it is:

and it is a magnificent specimen.  Just hope it's as hardy as they say but I'll have to wrap it up warm in the winter just in case.  I'm pleased to say that a lot of the plants I was worried about, are now showing signs of life which is a relief.  The garden is beginning to look good again, all the work my beloved has done recently is giving me so much pleasure.

I did plant my potatoes and am remembering to water them - perhaps I'll try some radish too.

I found out last week that one of my daughters has to have surgery to correct a curvature of the spine.  It's a big op about five hours in surgery, followed by a couple of days in the high dependency unit and then six weeks off school.  She's really okay about it but I'm feeling quite worried.  It will probably be in the next 4 - 9 months so I've time to get used to the idea.  We've also got to decide a cut off time because she has GCSEs in 2010/2011 and can't afford to miss these!

I'm also going back to work on a staggered basis - starting tomorrow and this is making me so anxious that I'm keeping myself manically busy today to keep my mind off it. I've got to get back on the bike, so hard hat in place, stabilisers at the ready off I go.

Off to clean the oven....

Turning over the Page

Catching up on my mundane tasks today - I turned over the calendar page from April to May - to be reminded I have to do my bloods at the end of the month in time for my next, that is second, three month check on 8 June.  I knew it was on it's way, I still think about having cancer a lot, but.... I've started to worry wart already about the numbers and that I'm still so close to the cliff edge and I hate it.  I can't ever see me not getting into a panic about these checks and suddenly every little twinge, ache and pain reminds me of how I was feeling this time last year before I was diagnosed - talk about psychosomatic!  I'm sitting here giving myself a pep talk about how much better I feel and look than 12 months ago.  Yesterday, we walked for 3 hours, had some lunch, came home and I did some quite heavy jobs that would have defeated me last year or even a couple of months ago.  Yet...... this ovca is such a sneaky little bugger I still haven't got to grips with it.  It's so hard this bit, I don't like to  talk to my beloved about this because he hates to see me unhappy or upset and he's been through so much.  He wants us to move on and be sure as sure it isn't going to come back, so I keep it in and let it bounce around my head until I can't stand it anymore and I have to tell him how crap I feel.  I now understand so much more what The Scream is trying to say.

   

It's the silent terror of the unknown.  I don't let myself have too many cancer down days because I am lucky to be here and I want to be here, I have no intention of going anywhere just yet but occasionally like today it's back as number one on the agenda.

I'm going to get busy and turn some batter into some cake, put on some funky music and dance myself happy.  

In the Garden

I managed to get into the garden yesterday and today - although today was really cold brrr.  It's really my darling's garden as he designed, tends and cares for it.  It is really very lovely and he quite rightly is very proud of how it looks.

We found a new garden shop today and bought a new windmill palm - I'll get him to take some photos so you can looksee for yourselves - it's about 4ft tall and a very fine specimen.  I'm planning the patio pots and baskets at the moment and am thinking in terms of pretty pastels or cool whites and greens.  I'm thinking of growing some potatoes in a old dustbin too something new but I'm quite excited at the thought of home grown pots!  I planted some lettuce and I want to get some tomatoes to grow in a hanging basket I don't trust Fred with anything remotely edible at dog level.

Tomorrow off to the Cotswolds for a bit of fresh air and a yomp through the countryside.  Can't wait.

Think that's about all for now.

Good Day

I've just come back from spending a lovely day with the best sister in the world who informed me I'm going to be a Great Aunt - not that I haven't been a fantastic aunt to her two lovely children - but a proper Great Aunt.  This caused us great hilarity as she is going to be a Grandma (hee hee).  She is very vain about how young she looks and it's quite shocking to think she's going to be a Grandma.  I think Granny will suit her best as she is a bit McFee ish or should that be Nanny! It is great to have happy happy news.  Anyway I now have to decide on my official title with this new offspring ......

We enjoyed a lovely walk in the sunshine with Fred who is learning to walk well on his lead - but is still so much of a woss when it comes to other doggy types and then had a very healthy lunch followed by a very unhealthy pudding - but a little bit of what you fancy always does you good.

Hoping to have a weekend in the garden even if it means dodging the showers - it is April after all.

Good News

I had some brilliant news today one of my ovca buddies who I met online, has just been given the all clear after chemo, big op and more chemo.  I am still smiling, smiling, smiling.  Time to enjoy the moment.....

How Rude Can They Get?

Just a quick get it off my chest moment coming up - if you are of weak disposition stop reading now.

Having braved the moment when I removed my wig to show off to the world my newly grown crop of hair why do some people think it's okay to make rude comments about not needing a fiver for a haircut or skinhead or just gawping open mouthed at me!  I haven't done short hair since I was seven and it's certainly not a look I'd choose but bloody chemo leaves you with no choices arghhhhh!

I'm seriously tempted to get a teeshirt printed with I've had Cancer what's your problem?

My husband has witnessed some of this so I know it's not my overactive imagination and is very protective and I'm getting a bit concerned he might actually punch the next person who dares even to look my way!

Perhaps I should train Fred to growl ferociously at the rude ones - now there's a thought.

Holidays

Well, the Easter break is over and we spent a great week in Holland.  The weather was kind to us and as we had decided to go by car and ferry, the travel disruption didn't affect us.

We stayed in Wassenaar, close to lovely sandy beaches, a great swimming pool/outdoor assault course and a mini theme park with some not so mini rides!  We visited Amsterdam and spent a morning looking around the Van Gough Museum which was fascinating, seeing some very famous paintings and indulging a bit of culture.  The afternoon was a little more entertaining with a little tour of the red light district - quite enlightening - and a good look around some of the markets. We also visited the Hague - not a very large town but very interesting with lovely chiming bells that ring out for 15 minutes at 12noon - well worth the visit.  And we also paid homage to the brave men who fought at Arnhem - very moving and a good reminded that so many lives were given to protect our way of life.

Now I've caught up with the washing and housework (yawn yawn) I am enjoying the sunny afternoon.  Fred the springer spaniel puppy - has grown so much over the last couple of weeks and is beginning to display some of the delightful, funny traits of this breed.  He is so pleased to be here, alive and full of life he has the ability to make me smile and leave behind the shadow of cancer that sometimes follows me wherever I go!  One of his favourite tricks is to chase around the garden, zigzagging from side to side, suddenly stop and look quite surprised that we should be laughing at him.  We have a garden pond where he likes to fish out the weed and eat the late frogspawn - yum yum - and no amount of saying NO does any good - like a naughty toddler he goes back time and time again.

Going away was a good thing to do - a return to doing normal things like a normal family.  Enjoying new things in a new country and feeling that I wasn't spoiling the party for anyone.  Last July I honestly thought I'd never enjoy anything every again - I'm so pleased I was wrong.  Letting cancer continue to reek havoc and rule my life is not an option.  It may be a shadow that follows me around but it's not going to block out all the sunshine.

So now onto the next thing - my son's 18th Birthday celebrations.  Hummm how do I keep 30 17/18 year olds happy, not too drunk and myself sane?  Watch this space.

Today I decided it was time to do something to share my experience of life as a cancer survivor.  What an odd phrase that is!  I've always thought of survivors as people who have lived through an earthquake or air disaster. Living through a diagnosis of cancer, the treatment and to reach the other end and be told there is no evidence of disease, to go with the no hair and no energy and earn the title of survivor is quite something.  I hadn't thought of myself as a survivor until someone asked me what it felt like to be a survivor.  I couldn't provide an answer and still can't! It makes me feel sort of odd, embarrassed, pleased and scared all at the same time. But a survivor I am and a record of my return to normality (if ever I was normal or if that state even exists) begins today and I hope that I survive long enough to become the worst sort of mother in law, the best sort of grandma and to grow disgracefully and thankfully old.

My chemo ended just before Christmas 2009 and it's now 1st April (All Fools Day - is there some relevance in the date).  Last month I had my first three month check - No Evidence of Disease and a low CA125 level.and my new title of Cancer Survivor - ta daa.

So now I sit here looking out at the garden with it's freshly cut lawn and frost battered plants, I don't think they will all survive the ravages of the winter weather, a 4 month old springer spaniel puppy chasing sticks around the kitchen and an ever growing list of jobs that I want to do, places I want to visit and people I should write to - people who have shown me a huge amount of kindness and support over the last months and without whom the time would have been very different.  I should also shout at the kids to get out of bed but it is the first day of their Easter break and why shouldn't they have a lie in?  I have ticked the first job off the list and that is creating this blog.

So now I have to get a wiggle on and do some more jobs before it rains.