Uptight and Snappy

I'm sort of pleased this weekend is over - only two days until my second three month check - that will make six months out of chemo.  And yet, in the same breath I don't want to know, unless that is it's the news I want.  It's so close to the anniversary of my diagnosis that it all feels fairly horrible and I really don't want another summer like last year's.  Oh how these thoughts tumble and tangle round and around my poor achy head.  Plan A for this, Plan B for that, I know it will only tell me what's already there or not as the case may be.    My poor family having to put up with such an uptight and snappy person.

Oh, and I've got an appointment tomorrow to get some advice about my employment issues so it looks like a fun filled week - lucky me.

Turning over the Page

Catching up on my mundane tasks today - I turned over the calendar page from April to May - to be reminded I have to do my bloods at the end of the month in time for my next, that is second, three month check on 8 June.  I knew it was on it's way, I still think about having cancer a lot, but.... I've started to worry wart already about the numbers and that I'm still so close to the cliff edge and I hate it.  I can't ever see me not getting into a panic about these checks and suddenly every little twinge, ache and pain reminds me of how I was feeling this time last year before I was diagnosed - talk about psychosomatic!  I'm sitting here giving myself a pep talk about how much better I feel and look than 12 months ago.  Yesterday, we walked for 3 hours, had some lunch, came home and I did some quite heavy jobs that would have defeated me last year or even a couple of months ago.  Yet...... this ovca is such a sneaky little bugger I still haven't got to grips with it.  It's so hard this bit, I don't like to  talk to my beloved about this because he hates to see me unhappy or upset and he's been through so much.  He wants us to move on and be sure as sure it isn't going to come back, so I keep it in and let it bounce around my head until I can't stand it anymore and I have to tell him how crap I feel.  I now understand so much more what The Scream is trying to say.

   

It's the silent terror of the unknown.  I don't let myself have too many cancer down days because I am lucky to be here and I want to be here, I have no intention of going anywhere just yet but occasionally like today it's back as number one on the agenda.

I'm going to get busy and turn some batter into some cake, put on some funky music and dance myself happy.