Meeting up

I had wonderful day on Thursday.  I met up with my friend Gaynor who I'd met via the Ovacome site.  We went to Trentham, drank gallons of coffee and pots of tea and had a good old chat.

There is very little that I can say has been good about my cancer journey but making new friends is one real bonus.

I smiled all the way home and can't wait to meet again.

Back to Work

This week was a landmark for me.  I went back to work.  Yes, me, cancer free, in remission but still shaky and a tad worried about life, the universe and everything, went back to work. The experience wasn't pleasant and I am still quite upset about it but I went back to work.  The welcome mat wasn't at the door, 'my' desk had been given to the newest person in the office and contents of 'my' desk had been unceremoniously dumped on my new desk, together with the last nine months of accumulated general dross.  I had been listed on the location board as a 'visitor' and a restructure is underway and guess what - I don't think my job will exist after July!  Oh and I've been taken off the payroll and I'll be paid by cheque!  What fun.

I'm feeling quite p****d off about it but having asked if I should write my hours for next week on the location board in the visitor section, and presented the pile of accumulated dross to my boss to sort out because 'I don't want to throw away anything that might be important and then having the audacity to ask what my role now is; there were one or two embarrassed glances and awkward silences there was something muttered about not wanting to stress me out and they weren't at all sure I'd even show up!  And we'll have a meeting with you soon to discuss what it is you'll be doing.  Hello, I've got a job description and contract and as far as I'm aware I didn't have my brain removed at the same time as my tumour (although us chemo brains do sometimes question this fact).  I just want my job, as it was when I went on sick leave - obviously with some catch up time and support, but my ability to do my job is, hopefully, as good as nine months ago.

Rant, rant and rage.

I'm not in again until Tuesday of next week by which time I'll have calmed down and thought about a strategy to deal with it all.

So much for welcome back it's good to see you!

Catch Up Time

As I said you'd have to forgive me if this blog doesn't get updated regularly!    I've had a bad couple of weeks, too much sitting on the pity pot instead of getting on with it.  It all goes back to the three monthly check which is looming large on the horizon.  Must try to find a better way of dealing with this.

But .. I went to superb flower arranging demonstration presented by a very talented and funny lady called Sandy.  She created a sort of driftwood/ sea type display which I won when one of my raffle tickets was drawn. How wonderful was that.  I think it's about time I enrolled at flower arranging because I'm so jealous of people who can create such wonderful things.

My son and eldest child hit his 18th year last week and we've had some fun, meals out, worrying about him going to town and nightclubbing for the first time, rolling in at 3.47 and 28 seconds!  Not that I was clock watching you understand.  It amuses me no end that my kids are so surprised when we tell them of our clubbing days or should that be nights.  It's so shocking that mum and dad ever had any fun and dare I say got drunk!!!  And that's only the half of it - if only they knew.  Now I'm getting everything together for his family party which we're having on  bank holiday Sunday.  This will allow for all those who have some distance to travel, plenty of  time to get back for work on Tuesday. We're hoping for a warm, dry day so that my beloved can do his thing with the barbecue.  I've got to make a cake for him - not a fruit cake but a chocolate cake with lots of sweets on top the sort he had when he as about 5!  That's nice and easy for me though unless I have a better idea in between.

We went for a great walk on Sunday afternoon - along the canal and back through the woods; carpeted with glorious bluebells and the stench - sorry - fragrance of wild garlic.  We even saw swallows - the first of  the year and this lifted my spirits.  Fred the springer went for his first swim in the canal after getting in a bit of a tizz about the ducks who dared sit on the tow path.  His face was a picture when he eventually found right way up and discovered he could swim.  Unfortunately I didn't have the camera because my beloved got a good old soaking as he pulled said Fred out of said canal.  Oh what fun we had....  Here's Fred, clean, dry and back on Terra firma! I can't believe how much he's grown over the last couple of months but I think he is rather splendid.

I promised a photo of the windmill palm in my older posts (I've done so many now!)  Here it is:

and it is a magnificent specimen.  Just hope it's as hardy as they say but I'll have to wrap it up warm in the winter just in case.  I'm pleased to say that a lot of the plants I was worried about, are now showing signs of life which is a relief.  The garden is beginning to look good again, all the work my beloved has done recently is giving me so much pleasure.

I did plant my potatoes and am remembering to water them - perhaps I'll try some radish too.

I found out last week that one of my daughters has to have surgery to correct a curvature of the spine.  It's a big op about five hours in surgery, followed by a couple of days in the high dependency unit and then six weeks off school.  She's really okay about it but I'm feeling quite worried.  It will probably be in the next 4 - 9 months so I've time to get used to the idea.  We've also got to decide a cut off time because she has GCSEs in 2010/2011 and can't afford to miss these!

I'm also going back to work on a staggered basis - starting tomorrow and this is making me so anxious that I'm keeping myself manically busy today to keep my mind off it. I've got to get back on the bike, so hard hat in place, stabilisers at the ready off I go.

Off to clean the oven....

Turning over the Page

Catching up on my mundane tasks today - I turned over the calendar page from April to May - to be reminded I have to do my bloods at the end of the month in time for my next, that is second, three month check on 8 June.  I knew it was on it's way, I still think about having cancer a lot, but.... I've started to worry wart already about the numbers and that I'm still so close to the cliff edge and I hate it.  I can't ever see me not getting into a panic about these checks and suddenly every little twinge, ache and pain reminds me of how I was feeling this time last year before I was diagnosed - talk about psychosomatic!  I'm sitting here giving myself a pep talk about how much better I feel and look than 12 months ago.  Yesterday, we walked for 3 hours, had some lunch, came home and I did some quite heavy jobs that would have defeated me last year or even a couple of months ago.  Yet...... this ovca is such a sneaky little bugger I still haven't got to grips with it.  It's so hard this bit, I don't like to  talk to my beloved about this because he hates to see me unhappy or upset and he's been through so much.  He wants us to move on and be sure as sure it isn't going to come back, so I keep it in and let it bounce around my head until I can't stand it anymore and I have to tell him how crap I feel.  I now understand so much more what The Scream is trying to say.

   

It's the silent terror of the unknown.  I don't let myself have too many cancer down days because I am lucky to be here and I want to be here, I have no intention of going anywhere just yet but occasionally like today it's back as number one on the agenda.

I'm going to get busy and turn some batter into some cake, put on some funky music and dance myself happy.  

In the Garden

I managed to get into the garden yesterday and today - although today was really cold brrr.  It's really my darling's garden as he designed, tends and cares for it.  It is really very lovely and he quite rightly is very proud of how it looks.

We found a new garden shop today and bought a new windmill palm - I'll get him to take some photos so you can looksee for yourselves - it's about 4ft tall and a very fine specimen.  I'm planning the patio pots and baskets at the moment and am thinking in terms of pretty pastels or cool whites and greens.  I'm thinking of growing some potatoes in a old dustbin too something new but I'm quite excited at the thought of home grown pots!  I planted some lettuce and I want to get some tomatoes to grow in a hanging basket I don't trust Fred with anything remotely edible at dog level.

Tomorrow off to the Cotswolds for a bit of fresh air and a yomp through the countryside.  Can't wait.

Think that's about all for now.